The Seireitei Communication Official Recipe Pullout
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: Shuuhei Hisagi has agreed to give Rangiku Matsumoto and Orihime Inoue a column in Seireitei Communication Magazine. Surely this can't go wrong?
1. Pasta Recipes

Ladies and gentlemen of Soul Society, I am pleased to announce a new column in Seireitei Communication. As of this issue, we will be dedicating page space to an assortment of recipes specially selected by our Editor-In-Chief, food aficionado Shuuhei Hisagi, dreamed up by the lovely ladies Rangiku Matsumoto and Orihime Inoue. Without any further ado, we would like to present this month's theme: pasta.

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**RANGIKU MATSUMOTO:**

I like cooking pasta - it's really easy! Well, aside from the time I forgot I had put some on and it caught on fire! Luckily my Captain was on hand to extinguish the flames and the saucepan was the only thing which got ruined. :) (Why did I agree to let you do this again? - SH) (Because you're a kind and generous guy, Shuuhei! -OI) (Yeah, that must have been it... -SH) (We have boobs. You must obey. - RM) (... -SH) (Wait, what? -OI) (MOVING ON -SH)

Ingredients: However much pasta you can eat

About half a dozen fresh or frozen scallops

About half a dozen surimi sticks

A fistful of sweetcorn. Or two. Or three. Or just however much you can be bothered to warm up

A couple of cloves of garlic or a good squeeze of garlic purée. You can never have too much garlic, I say! (Seriously, Rangiku? -SH) (Yes, I quite agree with Rangiku - garlic makes everything better! -OI)

A dollop of butter or spread - I like to use olive spread as it's soft and easy to squish. Who can be bothered with solid butter? (Uh, me. Because it tastes better -SH) (Who cares? It's really difficult to work with -RM) (Oh, I completely understand. You don't need to tell ME about things which are difficult to work with... -SH)

A drizzle of olive oil

Some chives

A small amount of saffron

Instructions**:**

1. Put the pasta into a saucepan, cover it with water and put it on to boil. (You're supposed to wait for the water to boil before you put the pasta in. -SH) (Really? I can never be bothered to wait, and this way works too! -RM)

2. While the pasta's boiling, warm up your sweetcorn in a microwave and mix it with your butter, garlic, olive oil, chopped chives and saffron in a suitable utensil. Just not like your cycling helmet or anything because that would be messy and while everybody knows that garlic smells yummy, it's a pain to wash out of long hair. Trust me on this one - that's a heck of a lot of effort you really don't want to exert if you can avoid it. (Ooh, I can imagine. -OI)

3. That shouldn't have taken too long, so chop up your surimi sticks into small pieces and set them aside.

4. Your pasta should still be cooking (unless you're Captain-Commander Yamamoto or Lieutenant Hinamori, of course, in which case you probably shouldn't be using your zanpakuto to cook things with) so use the time to shallow-fry your scallops. Then chop those into pieces too, if you feel like it. It doesn't really matter. (Yes, it does, you don't want it to be too lumpy. -SH)

5. Your pasta is done! Or rather, it should be. Eh, who cares, al dente will do and your teeth are actually pretty strong. (You want it to be soft with seafood. Don't break your teeth. -SH)

6. Put your pasta into a bowl and stir the sweetcorn mixture into it. Sprinkle the scallops and surimi on top.

7. You're done! Now go and offer some to your Captain - it'll make a great apology for whatever you've done wrong this time! (If you're talking about the fallout from the incident with your gigai last week, I think you'll need quite a bit more than some pasta to smooth that one over. Unless, of course, the pasta is served with a large dollop of brain bleach.. -SH)

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**ORIHIME INOUE:**

Pasta has a great texture and its natural flavour isn't too strong - in short, it's great with pretty much anything! After Rangiku's savoury recipe, here's a rather sweeter one! :D (O...kay? -SH)

Ingredients: Pasta (obviously! It is a pasta dish, after all!)

Shredded crab

Whipped cream (I'm not sure I like where this is going... -SH)

Fruit coulis - I like mango and passion fruit! (I really hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Orihime. -SH)

A bar of dark chocolate (Well, I daresay we're about to find out... -SH)

Instructions:

1. Put your pasta on to boil, and then wait ten minutes.

2. Your pasta should be done! Unless it isn't, of course. If it's not, don't worry, you probably just forgot to turn the stove on. Don't worry, I do it all the time. :) (... -SH)

3. Stir the shredded crab into your pasta.

4. Drizzle your fruit coulis over your pasta and crab. Don't be afraid of putting too much in, the recipe is supposed to be a bit sweet! (Aaaand here comes the nightmare I was really hoping wouldn't come to pass -SH)

5. Spray whipped cream over the pasta! Don't be afraid if the hot pasta causes it to deflate quickly, you can always put more on. (OH HELL -SH)

6. Grate the chocolate over your pasta. (You have GOT to be kidding me -SH)

7. Put the pasta in the fridge and eat it cold. Delicious! Why not offer some to your friends? I'm sure they'd be grateful! (Oooh, yes, that sounds wonderful, Orihime! -RM) (Careful, you two, you don't want to end up sacked after your first column. -SH) (WE HAVE BOOBS. YOU MUST OBEY. -RM) (... you two are really lucky I'm willing to give you a second chance. Because I'm a nice guy. -SH) (Yay! Thank you, Shuuhei! -OI) (Ha ha ha. -RM)

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NEXT MONTH'S THEME: CAKES

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**Author's notes: This fic was inspired by my own recipes. I think that's all that needs to be said about that. XD However, this does mean that I can personally testify that both of these pasta dishes are actually pretty tasty and I would recommend them. :)**

**Seeing as this doesn't really have a plot, I'm going to mark it as "complete" from the start on the grounds that it'll never really be finished - there's pretty much an infinite number of recipes to be created and I will add to the fic as I see fit. Accordingly, "complete" doesn't mean I have nothing more to add.**

**Also, this isn't going to be a monthly thing. I'll update whenever I can think of anything suitable, whether that's once a week or once every couple of months.**

**Thank you for reading. :D**


	2. Cake Recipes

**Author's notes: I'm back! I had the idea for a cake when I was visiting my grandmother in Cardiff a couple of weeks ago, and I've only just got around to thinking up another one and writing it. Oh well, this made a nice distraction from my lagging Camp NaNo wordcount. :)**

**Thank you for reading and for ****the reviews, favourites and alerts. I would give you cake, but I can't, so I suppose you'll just have to make your own. Possibly one of these. :D**

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A note from the editor: the Seireitei Communication would like to officially apologise for a printing error in the last issue resulting in the publication of pre-publishing memos between the authors of this column and myself, the Acting Editor-in-Chief. However, on the grounds that our audience-feedback towards the memos was overwhelmingly positive, we have decided to continue publishing them alongside the column. (Yay! - OI) (I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking, Shuuhei! -RM) (You know, Rangiku, I'm not just permitting this because you told me I should. -SH) (Oh really? How many readers told you they liked the annotations? -RM) (I don't have to answer that. -SH)

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**RANGIKU MATSUMOTO:**

Microwaves are great, aren't they? Orihime introduced me to them on my most recent jaunt to the World of the Living! You put food in, press a few buttons and a few seconds later it comes out hot! Oh, the wonders of electrogravetetic conduction! (Was that correct, Orihime? -RM) (I dunno, you'd have to ask Uryu. He's the one who explained it to me - I'm better at maths. -OI) (Is this really relevant? -SH) Anyway, I like cake, and I thought that you probably do, too, so here's a recipe combining microwaves and cake. Yay! (Congratulations, Rangiku, your laziness has reached new and hitherto unknown heights. -SH) (You know you love me. ;) -RM) (I feel bad for poor Captain Hitsugaya... -SH)

INGREDIENTS: 

Four tablespoons of self-raising flour

Two tablespoons of granulated sugar

Two tablespoons of cocoa powder

One egg

A drizzle of oil of some sort

Lots and lots of marshmallows

Chocolate chips

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Just kind of throw everything into a bowl or something.

2. Stick it in the microwave for a minute or two.

3. You're done!

(You're kidding, right? -SH) (Not at all! -RM) (No, she's serious, I just tried this and it works really well! It could probably do with some taramasalata on top, though, or something... -OI) (I can't. I have lost the ability to can. -SH)

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**ORIHIME INOUE:**

Cakes are great! If you just make an ordinary sponge cake they're sweet but the taste isn't overpowering, effectively creating a blank canvas for painting all sorts of wonderful masterpieces! (No more crab and whipped cream, please. I beg you. -SH) (Shut up, Shuuhei, Orihime's last recipe was wonderful! -RM) (I'll take your word for it, Rangiku... -SH) (You mean you didn't try my pasta recipe? -OI) (That's it. We're all having an evening together next week and you WILL eat Orihime's marvellous pasta, Shuuhei, if I have to tie you up and spoon-feed it to you myself. -RM) (Erm. -SH)

INGREDIENTS:

150 grams self-raising flour

150 grams butter

150 grams caster sugar

2 eggs (This is all looking remarkably normal, Orihime. I'm impressed. -SH)

Lots of honey

Sesame seeds (? -SH)

Popcorn (? -SH)

Barbecue sauce (I should have known that the comparative normality was too good to last... -SH)

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Cream the sugar and butter. You can even use a hand-mixer if you like! Just don't do what I did and take out the mixer while it's still on or you'll end up with the mixture over your ceiling. That was quite a mess, I couldn't even reach it to clean it off so I had to ask Chad round to help! (And we needed to know this... why? -SH)

2. Add the eggs to the mixture and beat them in.

3. Sieve the flour over your mixture (assuming it's not on the ceiling, you don't want it to look like it's snowing...) and fold it in. Be careful not to beat the air out of the flour, though, or it won't raise and you'll end up with a pancake! (I have to give it to you, Orihime. Your tastebuds may be broken, but you know your stuff. -SH)

4. Pour the mixture into a cake tin and bake it in the oven at 180 degrees Celcius for 20-25 minutes.

5. When the cake is baked, take it out of the oven and put it on a plate. Liberally spread honey over the entire thing!

6. Sprinkle a generous layer of sesame seeds all over the cake - they should stick to the honey! (This is when it starts going downhill. Please let the barbecue sauce have been a typo... -SH)

7. Drizzle barbecue sauce over the cake! Yummy! (Oh, God, WHY? -SH)

8. Take the popcorn and arrange a few pieces into an artistic pattern on top of the cake.

9. Your cake is finished! Cut it into pieces and give it to everybody you know! (But only if you hate them with a passion. -SH) (Stop being such a meanie, Shuuhei. This cake sounds delicious. It's not Orihime's fault you're too chicken to try it! -RM) (Chicken. There's something else which just doesn't belong on a cake... -SH) (That sounds like an interesting combination. I know what I'm having for tea tonight! -OI)

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NEXT MONTH'S THEME: SNACKS


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